Blessings in Pain

Thank you, change, discomfort, challenge and upset! You have caused a great deal of “uncomfortability” in my life. But, without you I would have just settled…settled, for a status quo life; where I did not search for answers, enlightenment or my true self.

My foolish ego thought that I had found myself…I had found balance, health and love. Then I decided to through caution to the wind and turn my life upside down. Thankfully, I was blessed with an amazing husband and child to provide me with daily doses of love and support. However, moving took away all my coping mechanisms, “comfortbabilty,” and feelings of security.

I had a career where I would have been comfortable; it was easy and decent money. This was my dream…to be the average person. So here I am…far, far away from home. I have taken a huge step down professionally, I am no longer comfortable.This change has made me question myself in so many ways. It has rocked the very core of my self-identity and self-esteem. I no longer felt secure or validated.

But with rain and thunderstorms always comes a little sunshine, (although sometimes, not as fast as we would like). The cloud of self-doubt and pain that I felt, forced me to “re-find” myself. When we get too comfortable we stop doing the things that we need. I have realized that I deserve better than being an “average person.” I am meant to be a great person!

I have always been afraid to dream and have high hopes. There is nothing worse than being let down…or so I thought. However, I have come to find that there is something worse..it’s called settling. We need to continue to do the things that work for ourselves. Once we have achieved balance and happiness, we need to continue to strive for better!

By completely changing my life and making myself extremely uncomfortable; I have put myself in a place where I am finding answers and enlightenment. Not to mention that my dreams are materializing right in front of me. So thank you “uncomfortability,” please come back to visit should I get cocky and loose myself again!

Letting Go of Resentments

We have all been there; someone has hurt, mistreated, disrespected or even abused us, (for the sake of being concise I will use the term “wronged” as a catch all phrase). When we have been wronged our natural protective and defense mechanisms come out. Some of these protective measures and defense mechanisms are healthy; such as situating the appropriate boundaries. Others for example, allowing anger and grudges to build and fester within you is not healthy. Being angry or holding a grudge may or may not affect the individual you are having the conflict with. However, the main person that it will affect is you. When we allow anger and hatred to fester and grow within in us, it starts to dominate our thoughts, feelings, emotions and even actions. It is important to let go of this negativity so that we can move forward from being wronged and lead a healthy fulfilling life.

Examine your actions:
In order for a conflict to occur there must be two parties. At times we are attacked for no reason; in these cases our actions in no way had a part in the conflict. However, there are other occasions where we have a conflict with an individual where both parties have had a part. Sometimes just paying attention to the negative behavior of another is enough to start a conflict. If we are paying attention to negative behaviors we are feeding into the other person’s negativity. Often it is beneficial to attempt to completely ignore the negativity. In order ignore these behaviors in the most effective manner it is important not to continually voice our frustration with other people. It is important to express your feelings healthily, but do so in a manner where you are not allowing these behaviors to infiltrate your cognition’s.

Sometimes an individual’s negativity is temporary and by ignoring it we may be assisting in allowing an otherwise good relationship to continue. On the other hand some people are what Judith Orloff M.D. describes as; Emotional Vampires. “Vampires do more than drain our physical energy. The super-malignant ones can make you believe you’re unworthy, unlovable and do not deserve better. The subtler species inflict damage that’s more of a slow burn. Smaller digs here and there can make you feel bad about yourself such as, “Dear, I see you’ve put on a few pounds” or “It’s not lady-like to interrupt.” In a flash, they’ve zapped you by prodding areas of shaky self-worth.”

Boundaries:

If you are dealing with an Emotional Vampire or other such individual putting in place the appropriate boundaries is very important. Often the people that are wronging us are close; family, in-laws, friends, co-workers etc. Sometimes we cannot simply cut this person out of our life, we may have to see them at work or family functions. If you have attempted in a healthy way on multiple occasions to deal with the conflict and no such resolution has been made or the negative behavior continues it may not be healthy to have a relationship with this person. We can put healthy boundaries up without having to go into an all out war with someone.

Dr. Orloff’s Strategies to Let Resentments Go:

1. Set Your Intention to Release the Resentment:
Dr. Orloff encourages letting go of resentment so that one may increase their own energy and feel better. First select a target. Maybe you have attempted to discuss the issue with this individual with no results. Or your target may truly be unapproachable. In either case, away from the person, air your resentments without sugarcoating them. Do this in a journal, with a therapist or friend. Expressing your feelings is necessary to forgive.

2. Cultivate Forgiveness
In a quiet moment, really reach to find compassion for the person’s shortcomings, not the deed itself. This may be very hard work. What insecurities or fears motivated them? Why is the person’s heart so closed? What caused their moral blindness? Try to discern the context of the person’s actions. At this point, you may be inwardly able to ask yourself to start to forgive. Perhaps you’re not there yet, this is ok. The request itself sets off a stream of compassion, a cleansing of your system. Repeat the exercise once a day for at least a week. See if your energy improves.

3. Take a Reality Check
As part of forgiveness, take this reality check: People bring a lifetime of wounds to your relationship, which may make their behavior more about them than you. To find forgiveness while endeavoring to heal anger, you must evaluate whom you’re dealing with, the good and the bad. Often, people are just doing the best they can, which may not amount to a hill of beans where you’re concerned, but it does represent the sad truth of the situation. Accepting that truth of someone’s limitations will help you forgive.
Compassion opens a hidden door to a secret world that exists beyond anger. Notwithstanding, the feelings of anger or forgiveness aren’t mutually exclusive. You can simultaneously experience varying degrees of both. Perhaps, at first, you’re a little forgiving and very angry. But when you progress, the scales increasingly tip toward forgiveness as your attachment to anger recedes.

http://www.drjudithorloff.com/

A Lost & Found Soul

It’s been a while since I sat down and wrote. Like many the every day aspects of life seem to have gotten the best of me.

Change, Challenge, Tribulations and the Route to Enlightenment

Similar to most human beings, this individual has not had a seamless life thus far. At times certain challenges, changes and tribulations have presented themselves on my door step and I must admit that I have not always handled these trials perfectly or even moderately well. Change appears to be a continual ordeal or test of my character on a fairly regular basis…and just as I feel like I am on the cusp of finding my truly “enlightened self,” another change creeps up upon me. These changes are often for the better especially in retrospect, but still seem to shake up the temporary homeostasis that I have strived so hard to achieve. I believe that most humans have a sense of searching and desire for some level of enlightenment, whatever that may be. This individual is no different; I have made dramatic changes that I thought were for the better that have shaken my entire existence to the core. I am a firm believer that we should not judge the choices of another as we never know how a situation feels until we actually experience it. (However, just because I preach this does not mean by any means that I am even close to exemplary in employing it). Although change, challenges and even tribulations cloud what feels like the linear progression towards self-actualization or enlightenment, they are the very foundation that it is built upon.

Self-Actualization & Enlightenment

What I have come to realize is that self-actualization and or enlightenment do not lie outside of ourselves they are situated in the very core of our beings. No change, challenge or tribulation can take this away, although they may make it harder to access it within us. Many of us go searching for things to assist us in finding this level of self or fulfillment of life and the soul…I am one of them.
In my searching I have looked towards things that in the end may have taken me farther away from my true self; turning my back on the things in life that truly delight me because they are not “in.” By not giving into my real self it appears that I may have hindered my soul in finding my true self and achieving my dreams.
So here is to being the true versions of ourselves and the achievements and dreams of the present and future!
‎
“I went looking for my dreams outside of myself and discovered, it’s not what the world holds for you, it’s what you bring to it. …” L.M. Montgomery.

So we got Married: Chapter 2

All right so we left off last time with “Texas” coming to my hometown to see me…well sparks flew, sky rockets in flight and all that jazz. You get the picture right? Well from there on in we were a couple, I know very romantic… We survived on text messages, late night conversations and the occasional email and dirty conversation (sorry Mom).

Since neither of us were financially encumbered with the demands of “real life,” we were able to afford almost monthly trips back and forth to see each other. (It’s amazing what heavy duty surges of Oxytocin will make you do)! Any ways we took turns coming to see each other. (Actually in the beginning I made him come see me a few times…just to make sure he wasn’t actually Leather Face in disguise).

As you can imagine my first trip to Texas was as you could put mildly a CULTURE SHOCK! These people talk slow, walk slow, and sling guns. (Actually it’s not that bad…but compared to Canada, well actually yeah its that bad). Culture shocks aside, our relationship was going very well…the oxytocin kept on surging and the bank accounts kept on dwindling. After about a year of the long distance relationship we decided to up the anti and “Texas” proposed… To anyone other than me it was a very unremarkable proposal. However, this is one of those moments that are burned in my brain and elicit those warm, tingly happy feelings like too many glasses of White Zinfandel. If you have read my other posts you likely know that “Texas” is a man of few words and that I am the kind of gal that as I call it “collects complements.” So if you have any wits about you, you’re probably saying to yourself right now that probably is difficult for them…well you bet your chicken fried chicken it is. (P.s. if you haven’t you need to go to Crackerbarrell and have their chicken fried chicken it’s to die for!)

So I got a little bit side tracked by the fried grease, it happens to the best of us. As I was saying “Texas” doesn’t like to talk and I love talking and complements. So in an effort to seal the deal, this slow talking man of few words (with the best bum on the planet), infused me with complements. I can visually conjure up the memory of his proposal and some of the sweet nothings etc., and BAM the White Zinfandel feeling is back!

Keep in mind that I am Canadian and “Texas” is American so in order to enter the world of matrimonial bliss we required the oh so sacred…drum roll please, Green Card. If you have someone that you truly despise and would like to make their life miserable (not that I recommend that). Suggest to them that they attempt to marry someone from another country. Immigration is a special kind of torture that not only invades your bank account, privacy, mind, and work; but your soul as well. It also lasts forever so don’t believe your lawyer when they tell you it will just be a “6-8 months,” and around “$5000.” Multiply those numbers by two and add three and you should have the right number (just a hint).

Since “Texas” and I wanted to be together more than anything and were extremely stoked about being old people together, we decided to have a small ceremony in Canada and then the following year we would have a big Texan wedding. So on August 1st 2009 we tied the knot! We had a very small ceremony at my Grandparents house with family and friends. Thank goodness we had a small wedding because we both had the jitters; but the moment I saw him all the nerves faded away. Without a doubt in my mind or hesitation I knew that “Texas” was the man I would spend my life with. I’m pretty sure he felt the same way, (he better have)!

In true fashion with our relationship “Texas” had to return to work work the next day…so less than 24 hours after “jumping the broom” he took off back to Texas. Not so romantic. Luckily for us I would have a one month break the following month; and would be spending it in my home that I didn’t live in with my husband that I didn’t live with!…more to come!

Don’t be Afraid to Hope

Once you choose hope, anything’s possible. ~Christopher Reeve

Fear of Hope:

Why are we so afraid to have hope? It’s such a simple concept; a thought, feeling, or belief that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. However, its not uncommon to hear people say “she got her hope’s up to high.” If you hear that kind of thinking too often you may end up monitoring you’re hopes rather than you’re negative thinking. Hope is one of the best things you can have; it holds you to staying positive and forces you to dream for better. If you hold strong enough to your hopes and dreams you likely wont settle for less. However, even as I type this I’m still aware of what a scary concept this is.

Having a dream come crashing down on you is a devastating thought. I’m sure most people reading this statement can relate. In an attempt to be proactive one might say, “I’m not going to get my hopes up so high this time.” However, what we don’t realize is that we are limiting ourselves. By not allowing yourself the opportunity to hope you are really not allowing yourself the opportunity to have better. Obviously hope is not the only part of the equation needed for the materialization of one’s dreams; but it can be the gasoline that fuels your motor. The concept of hope allows you to be in a very negative or difficult environment and feel better. Alongside hope we need motivation, dedication, goals and self-discipline. However, holding onto that hope helps people stay motivated, dedicated and goals materialize.

Think about being Hopeful:

I came across a lovely little mantra that I repeat to myself when I need a “positive check.” It’s very easy “what you think is what you feel,” or “WYTIWYF.” Since most people pay little attention to what they are thinking its very understandable that these negative thoughts can creep upon us as if from no where. I engaged in a conversation recently with a coworker who also happens to be a therapist; during the course of our conversation I noticed that it could easily turn negative. Not the kind of negativity that people engage in where they have a “pity party.” More so that downtrodden feeling that the world is against you and that bad thing after bad thing just continues to happen no matter what you think or do. Each time we ended up almost hitting “negative town,” I asked my coworker what her hope was for that situation. Instantly her face lit up and she told me her ideal version of that situation and why she thought that it was possible. That is one of the wonderful aspects of hope; most often its a possible dream or a dream that we could eventually make possible. It’s about allowing yourself the opportunity for better; which is basically the premise of being positive.

The Miracle Question:

In Solution Focused Therapy, therapists often learn the technique of asking “the miracle question.” The miracle questions requires that the client envision their hope/dream for the future materializing. A common example of the Miracle Question is:

“Suppose our meeting is over, you go home, do whatever you planned to do for the rest of the day. And then, some time in the evening, you get tired and go to sleep. And in the middle of the night, when you are fast asleep, a miracle happens and all the problems that brought you here today are solved just like that. But since the miracle happened overnight nobody is telling you that the miracle happened. When you wake up the next morning, how are you going to start discovering that the miracle happened? … What else are you going to notice? What else?”

In Solution Focused Therapy the therapist will ask the client to discuss their “hopes” for the future; rather than focusing on their disappointments of the present and past. This technique requires the client to stay focused within the present and orientated towards the future. If we continue to focus on the disappointments and frustrations of the past we will never truly open the door to hope.

So this is my hope for you…I hope for better, I hope for possibilities, I hope for healing and answers. I hope…

My Love Story: Chapter 1

I’m telling this story in an attempt to provide hope to people who feel lost and frustrated with love.

I have one of the best marriages I have ever seen; whether in real life or on screen. I can honestly say that for the most part I have “the dream marriage.” Here is how it came about…

June 27th 2008, sometime in the afternoon, at the Drywood Tavern in Cadott Wisconsin I met my husband. What makes this story particularly interesting is that I am from Canada and my husband is from Southern Texas. We were both in the same place at the same time because of a oh so romantic festivity called Country Fest.

I walked into the bar with a group of my friends and was approached by a man…a very nice man. However, a man I was not interested in. So I used a tried and true technique to get rid of said man…I told him “I have too poop!” (Seriously it works!…or so I thought).

When I returned to the table where my friends were sitting this man and my now husband were sitting at our table…go figure. The man who originally hit on me “Minnesota Man,” was not my type at all…However, his friend “Texas” as my friends and I named him, was very much my type.

I can honestly say that up until this point I had no idea what my type was… Like any goal directed organized female I had “a list of requirements.” A summary of my list goes as follows.

1. Good Job (Engineer or Doctor).
2. Intelligent/ Has attended College (Masters Level preferred).
3. Good looking
4. Not a “Douche Bag”
5. Polite
4. Family Orientated
5. Into traveling
6. Interesting (hobbies etc).
7. Manly Man (knows how to work on cars, fix things, hunt etc.)
8. Somewhat romantic but not mushy
9. Does not like me more than I like him
10. Well rounded human being
11. Chemistry

At this point in my life I was working on my undergrad and going into my fourth year of University. I was working as a student at a local rehabilitation hospital and was quite frankly very ambitious. Prior to this I had not been successful in relationships. I had dated someone during high-school and part of college…this relationship lasted 6 years but really should have only lasted 6 minutes. Live and learn. Following that I had a few brief relationships that never even came close to scratching the surface of an emotional attachment. So at this point I really wasn’t looking for anything. I was having fun with my friends, enjoying school and the beginnings of my career and had a “not serious at all relationship” back home.

Well I can honestly say that the moment I saw “Texas” I was interested…something that really hadn’t happened before. Obviously I had dated other people before, but it was more in the sense of just having someone around…not seeing someone and being intrigued. What really got me was that in that moment I KNEW that there was something special about “Texas.” I attributed it to a very lovely “buzz,” and the fact that he was from Texas.

So being the bubbly person I am, I struck up a conversation with “Texas.” I asked him a little bit about what being from Texas entailed…I asked the usual questions like, “do you get guns for free for opening a bank account?” (Just kidding). He was interested in the fact that I was Canadian and like wise; so each told the other a little bit about our lives back home… The conversation just flowed, it was easy, relaxed and fun. (I didn’t want it to end). He taught me The Texas-Two Step albeit not well (but how would I know)…hung out at the bar for a few hours and then it was time to leave. I made friends with one of his female friends who will go by the name of “Mother Goose,” I told both her and “Texas” that if they wanted to stay in contact with me they could add me to facebook. So drunkenly I wrote my name on “Texas’” arm with a pen and left the bar to return to the concert.

For those of you that don’t know Country Fest is huge, thousands of people attend! So the odds of running into “Texas” again were slim to none! However, several hours later after the Kenny Chesney Concert I went to the beer tent with my friends…within an hour of being there “Mother Goose” found me and brought me to “Texas.” It seems he had talked to his friends about me as much as I had talked about him to mine…we spent the rest of the night dancing in the beer tent…and when that was over we parted ways until the next day when we would meet at the bar again with our friends.

We hung out again the next day…both of us realizing that obviously this would not go anywhere. So nothing happened. He went back to Texas, and I went back to Canada. The only means “Texas” had to contact me was my name written on his arm in drunken scribble. Also he didn’t even have a facebook account at that time, so I seriously doubted I would ever hear from him again.

As I previously mentioned I had “a not so serious relationship” back home…it ended mutually within a few days of my return. Then a few days after that I logged onto facebook and had a friend request!…that friend was “Texas!” (and he had gotten a facebook account just to keep communicating with me!)

So we started emailing daily…sometimes twice a day for a month or two. Within those emails we told each other about ourselves, our childhood, our goals dreams and ambitions. I had more of connection with “Texas” via email then I had ever had with a man in person. I was hooked!

As luck would have it I had finally met a man who met all my “requirements,” it seemed like a cruel joke since we lived so far apart. In the early days of our communication neither of us expected our relationship to go anywhere beyond a friendship via email and text message. Within two months of our emailing I had a heavy duty super crush on “Texas” and I’m pretty sure had one on me! So we started talking on the phone at night (every night). These conversations lasted hours…its amazing how easily a conversation can flow when you have such a strong connection! Boy did I have it bad.

The month before we saw each other for the second time I told one of my good friends that I just knew I was going to marry “Texas.” (Guess what, I was right!)

So after three months of talking I invited “Texas” to my hometown for Canadian Thanksgiving. The next day he bought a ticket!…From that point onward we starting the very taxing journey of a “Long-Distance Relationship.” We also had to contend with two years of immigration and not living in the same country as well as getting pregnant a month and a half after getting married!

Part of the reason I believe our relationship has been so successful; is that its built on strong communication and a great deal of respect. Being that most of our relationship lacked physical proximity we were really able to get to know each other without all the sex and hormones getting in the way first.

If you enjoyed Chapter 1 there will be more to follow!

Rule the Mind

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about controlling the kinds of thoughts that enter my mind…again that lovely little mantra I have pops up, “What you think is what you feel.” Then poof magically all the negative, unhealthy thoughts that were setting up camp in my mind disappear! Well not so much; actually not at all. To me its very similar to the reaction I have when someone tells me not to do something, it makes me want to do that something even more. So how do I over come this? Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? Shock Therapy perhaps?

I’m starting to think the answer to having positive thoughts radiate from my mind constantly is…drum roll please…Self-Discipline!

“Rule your mind or it will rule you.” -Horace (See they knew this even in ancient Greece).

Other greats like Aristotle and Plato seemed to have this thought control/ discipline down as well.

“We are what we repeatedly do, excellence is not an act, but a habit.”-Aristotle
“The first & best victory is to conquer self.”-Plato

Are we inspired yet? I sure am.

A mental image that comes to mind when I think about self-discipline is the movie The Last Samurai 2003 staring Tom Cruise. (For the record I am not a Tom Cruise fan and for that matter I do not like action movies or anything closely related). So why has The Last Samurai been burnt into my brain for almost 8 years? I believe it is because this movie radiates self-discipline! Please don’t quote me because I’m saying this from memory, but somewhere near the beginning of the movie when Tom Cruise’s character arrives in the small Japanese Village he notes how “perfect everything is.” Then he goes on to say that each villager strives for perfection. Perfection in everything they do, from planting in the garden to pouring tea; everything is done to the best of ones ability. Since 2003 I have been very intrigued by this concept of striving to do everything to the best of my ability.

So repeatedly I’ll go for it! All guns blazing and everything…and I have a day or two where everything is done almost perfectly!…and then I burn myself out. This doing everything “well” is a lot of work and quite frankly exhausting. Consequently I loose motivation and give up my quest for balance, positivity and a clean well organized house etc. Well here I am; I went for it!…not so successfully. So what can I do differently?

For starters I’m going to say, “lets start smaller.” Then I’m thinking how do I cultivate a sense of Self-Discipline that Horace, Aristotle, Plato and the likes would be proud of?

Here is the plan!
-Start smaller: Take on one or two tasks that I can accomplish more easily. Then grow from there.
-Realize that it takes time: Therefore I’m not going to give up when I don’t get the instant gratification I love so dearly.
-Sacrifice: Accept the fact that in order to have the success I want, I’ll need to wake up earlier, limit the TV. time etc.
-Consistency: Keep with it. Find a pattern that works and attempt to do it in a similar fashion and standard as often and possible.
-Make it a Habit: do it every day no matter what!

This quote really motivated me!

“Self-discipline is a form of freedom. Freedom from laziness and lethargy, freedom from the expectations and demands of others, freedom from weakness and fear-and doubt. Self-discipline allows a pitcher to feel his individuality, his inner strength, his talent. He is master of, rather than a slave to, his thoughts and emotions.” -H.A. Dorfman (The Mental ABCs of Pitching)

So here is to Success, Will-Power, Greatness and Change!

We only have now!

Climbing mountains

My Cake

Gosh…this balance thing is difficult. Once upon a time I thought I’d achieved this miraculous feet. Then I decided to get married and have a baby. (Not that I’m complaining; because I have it really good!).

In recent conversations with friends we have discussed balance…and have come up with a basic sort of definition. Balance means; having time for your career or intellectual side, socialization (with good friends), spending time on making sure your thoughts or spiritual side are attended to, some sort of physical activity i.e. yoga or I guess shopping. But WOW; can someone with a kid please message me and tell that they have accomplished this? Because, I have yet to find someone who has for more than a 24 hour interval!

Before marrying my husband I viewed my life as a cake…I had my cake; made up of my friends, family, career, yoga, intellectual side all taken care of. Then that wonderful man from Texas was my icing. It was pretty great.

Again I’m not complaining, I’m just wondering in type exacting how much energy I’m going to have to conjure up to produce the right amount of self discipline needed to achieve this balance thing I want/need so badly. So since this is Sunday night and there’s no time better than the beginning of the week to put goals into place…here it goes!

Goals for this week:
1. Yoga
2. Clean House
3. Limit Spending
4. Family/Friends

Wish me luck because I’m going to need it! All the best to you and yours! P.S. Counting down the hours to my hubby is back from Country Fest…nothing like a little missing the one you love to show you how much they do for you!

Those two men are partially to blame for my lack of balance but both make me sublimely happy so I can’t complain.

When Opposites Attract and the art of Balance

I happen to be a right brained emotional female…I spend a great deal of time thinking about my feelings. My husband Jeremy is a very left brained logical man, any conversation about feelings makes him highly uncomfortable….How in the &;%$* do we work?

Although my relationship with Jeremy has caused for a great deal of change in my life…i.e. immigrating from Canada to Southern Texas. It has created the most balance I have ever felt.

As a Social Worker one would think that with my educational background I would be well equipped with dealing with feelings and you know what…I’m pretty great at dealing with OTHER people’s feelings. However, when it comes to my own…not so much. I see it like this, emotions are kind of a difficult fog or haze that one is trying to navigate through…they come in and make it pretty hard to see what the actual reality is. If you are using your feelings or emotions to dictate your thoughts…I’m sorry friend your going to end up in troubled waters.

This is where my left brained husband/ emotional navigator comes in handy. At this point I also feel that it is important to note that Jeremy is probably the most patient person I have ever met (with me anyways). So you combine my at times irrational feelings+emotions=thoughts and a very logical, loving patient man it ends up pretty great. Jeremy helps me to see things in a more clear and logical way…he has the art of being concise perfected…as you are reading by my blog you probably realize, I do not!

This left brained freak is not as perfect as I may now have you believing. He has a very hard time thinking about other people’s feelings (even his own). He has very little empathy and understanding for stupidity and at times can be a little bit selfish. I on the other hand am that person that see’s a little old man grocery shopping and feels really bad for him because I’ve just assumed his wife of 50 years passed away and he’s trying to figure out which laundry detergent to buy. I CAN NOT watch those starving children or animal abuse commercials without crying like a baby. So combine an over empathizing freak such as myself and an emotionless left brained logical werido and you get BALANCE!

It has taken time to get to this point of balance. Originally our relationship was powered by some pretty heavy duty hormones; which turned into pretty heavy duty love…but somewhere in between, those idiosyncrasies that are either endearing or easy to ignore, become quite frankly “irritating.” This is where the art of communication has helped us out a great deal. Anyone who has ever had a long distance relationship knows that good communication is the key to survival. Well try communicating with someone that speaks logic and reason when you speak emotion and feelings…it takes some time and patience. But we have had time, patience and a ridiculously amount of love and here we are; communicating like two humans that have learned the other’s language!

All in all during the last few years Jeremy has taught me a lot about being quite, logical and concise…I have helped him discuss feelings, emotions and feel empathy. In the end he is the Oreo to my milk and I am the cheese to his cracker; both exist fine simultaneously but together you get perfection and balance!

The Walking Oxymoron

So here I am…wide open. I am pretty much a wide open kind of girl. I’m open to anything and enjoy hearing different people’s perspectives. Except when I don’t.

I so strongly believe that a balanced healthy lifestyle is the key to a satisfying life. I practice yoga, attempt to eat clean… Practice positive thinking strategies etc…Except when I don’t. (Which sad to say is probably half the time).

I will sometimes find that I have traded in this wonderful healthy lifestyle for one that is too “Satisfying,” Just not healthy. The yoga fitness regime gets put on the side lines, the “Clean Eating” goes down the drain and in comes delicious Southern Texas cuisine…Mexican food, Rib-eye Texas Beef smothered in butter with a loaded baked potato…Beer and stuffed peppers. This food manages to satisfy some carnal desire I seem to have for cheese and meat!

I consider myself a pretty deep, philosophical intellectual person…but heres the thing. I am obsessed with The Real Houswives. It satisfies again some unhealthy love of drama that I have within my soul. I will profess up and down till the day I die, that “I hate drama.” Cause I do…Except when I don’t. I love grabbing a bowl of buttery popcorn and sitting in front of the TV mindlessly eating and breaking my diet while I enjoy watching two grown women scream something completely irrelevant at each other. This too satisfies me in some bizarre carnal type way.

I will say that I’m an “Attempted Clean Freak.” I feel very frustrated and nervous when things aren’t clean and organized. I will have my entire house nice and clean in that zen organized type manner that leaves me feeling so happy and balanced…yet if you look a little closer, behind my bedroom door…you will find clothing strewn about. Bra’s hanging from doors, dresses on top of my lamp, random shoes kicked about…It almost looks like the setting of the end of a hot date!!…but it’s not. It’s just my inability to keep my clothing organized.

The biggest concern I have about my “Oxymoron” type tendencies is my lovely thought processes…I astound my husband with the things I think up…I can rationalize anything, analyze something very simple and logical and turn it into a big old complicated mess and have a million different feelings about said “thought.” These thoughts that I’m talking about are the day to day internal dialogue that we have with-ourselves and don’t really pay attention too. Here’s the thing, thoughts are very tricky creatures…because “what you think is what you feel.” So if your practicing positive self talk, monitoring your irrational cognition’s etc. you will likely feel pretty good. This is something I sometimes work really hard at…but then the red wine kicks in, I relax on the thought monitoring and let my imagination and brain go wild. They have a blast together…they really do.

Except that when my imagination and brain get together unsupervised I end up going a little “hulu.” My poor husband often ends up being the target of this irrational thinking and has to hop on board for the emotional roller coaster I will then take him on of…”What do you think she meant by that?” or “Why do you love me?” This is just the tip of the ice-burg. (Poor Jeremy, my husband).

So anyways…Here is my plan. I’m going to stay on-top of these “oxymoron” type tendencies and attempt to be…drum roll please!! Self-Disciplined!!! AGHHH! A seriously scary word to me.

So here are the goals that I hope will help me succeed in obtaining this “Self-Discipline” that often evades me.

1. Maintain Supervision of Thought Process.
2. Cut down on TV watching…I.e. The Real Housewives
3. Personal Development: Read the great works of Eckart Tolle and other such individuals of wisdom.
4. Wake up at 6:00am every day so that I get my house clean before I go to work.
5. Practice Yoga Daily
6. Keep up-with my budget (I’ve actually been doing quite well lately).
8. Eat healthy/clean…except for on my cheat day.
9. Blog about my progress.
10. Become a certified Yoga Instructor.